


The Black Velvet Bag.

by steeleye



Series: It's Grim Up North. [28]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: Gen, Humour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-03
Updated: 2019-07-03
Packaged: 2020-06-03 06:39:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19458454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/steeleye/pseuds/steeleye
Summary: A 'Grim Up North' story; Buffy and Willow learn about the dangers of logic and biscuits which can be pretty grim.





	The Black Velvet Bag.

The Black Velvet Bag.

By Dave Turner.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer or anything else you might recognise, I write these stories for fun not profit.

 **Crossover:** inspired by, BBC Radio 4's comedy sketch show, 'John Finnemore's Souvenir Program'.

 **Spelling, Punctuation, and Grammar:** Written in glorious UK-English (the original and best) which is different to US-English.

 **Timeline:** Part of the It’s Grim Up North series of stories.

 **Words:** 1900+ words.

 **Warnings:** Be alert...your country needs lerts.

 **Summary:** A 'Grim Up North' story; Buffy and Willow learn about the dangers of logic and biscuits which can be pretty grim.

0=0=0=0

**Giles' House, Saltburn-by-the-Sea, Cleveland, England, UK.**

“...of course in my youth we didn't have High Elves or Wood Elves or Santa's Little Helper elves,” Giles lectured, “you just had elves, I blame that Tolkin fellow.”

“Sorry?” Willow frowned from the other side of the fire place where she sat on the couch next to Buffy.

“Yes,” Giles continued, he felt very strongly about elves and was determined to get his point of view across, “before Tolkin, elves were at best mischievous and at worst evil, as Buffy's experience has proven.”

“Experience!?” Willow almost shrieked but didn't as it would have woken baby Abby who was fast asleep in her stroller over by the window. “Experience?” Willow repeated getting offended on Buffy's behalf, “That creature beat on her and sexually assaulted her while she was in his 'thrall', I'd hardly call that an experience!”

“Hey,” Buffy looked around at her friends, “I'm totally okay with it now, I mean I did get closure...I stabbed him...a lot...”

“You did get rid of the body, didn't you?” Giles wanted to know.

“Yeah,” it was Willow who replied, “Kennie dumped him in...”

“I'd rather not have you tell me where Kennedy dumped it,” Giles frowned, “I don't need or want to know...what I don't know I won't have to tell the police; I just need to know that the remains won't come back to haunt us.”

“Sure,” Willow nodded; she knew for a fact that Kennedy had used an old, flooded quarry up on the moors to dump several bodies in and so far the police were none the wiser, “and elves have no souls so there'll be no haunting.”

“Jolly good,” Giles nodded, “well in that case it just remains for us to decide whether this was an isolated incident or something we should be worried about....”

“Giles!” Willow was about to say more but Buffy interrupted her.

“Totally calm down Will,” Buffy said from her end of the settee, “I'm over it, I broke its thrall and stabbed it...like I say, I stabbed him a lot. I don't think any of its friends will be around for a repeat performance and...”

Before Buffy could say anything else there was a soft knock at the door just before Olivia, Giles' wife came in carrying a tray of tea things.

“I thought you might like a cup of tea,” Olivia smiled as she put the tray down on the low table in front of the fireplace, “I know Rupert can talk the hind legs off a donkey and not remember to make anyone a cuppa so...”

“Thank-you, sweetheart,” Giles said a little pointedly as his wife headed back towards the door.

“Anyway,” she said from the doorway, “I'm off to work,” Olivia worked at the local BBC radio station, Tyne-Tees Radio, “I'll leave you in peace.”

“Thank-you, Olivia,” Buffy and Willow called as Giles' wife headed for the front door.

“And don't be strangers you two,” Olivia called from the hall, “I don't get to see Abby half as much as I'd like to...”

Moments later the front door opened and closed indicating the Mrs Giles had left the building.

“I'll be mother...” Giles said as he poured the tea into the cups and added milk and sugar.

“Erm...” Buffy accepted her tea cup and saucer from Giles and nodded at the tray, “...what's with the black bag, Giles?”

There was indeed a black, velvet bag resting on the tea tray next to the teapot.

“Oh that's the biscuit bag...” Giles replied.

“Biscuit bag?” Buffy and Willow chorused intrigued. 

“Yes...biscuit bag,” Giles gave the two young women an uncertain look.

“I totally sense a story here,” Buffy grinned, “do tell...”

“Oh all right,” Giles sighed heavily, “it's really nothing important.”

“We'll be the judge of that,” Willow informed him.

“Oh all right,” Giles repeated as he got himself comfortable in his chair and sipped his tea, “have you ever wonder why no one will ever take the last biscuit from a plate?”

“Can't say I have,” Buffy admitted, “I mean its never stopped me before.”

“Or me,” Willow added with a shrug before removing a biscuit from the bag.

“Bloody uncivilised Americans,” Giles muttered before continuing with his explanation, “You see, the last biscuit is a sort of offering to Berty the Blue, Biscuit Goblin...”

“Berty the Blue, Biscuit Goblin!?!?” Buffy and Willow sniggered.

“Yes!” Giles replied forcefully bringing all sniggering to a premature halt, “Of course you damned colonials wouldn't know about Biscuit Goblins...which is odd because you do have that Cookie Monster...”

“That's a myth,” Willow replied uncertainly, “it is a myth, isn't it?”

“No,” Giles shook his head as he put down his cup and saucer, “although I'm not surprised that you'd think it is, these days the Cookie Monster rarely leaves Maryland. But, Berty the Blue, Biscuit Goblin is alive and well which is why no one ever, at least not in polite circles, ever takes the last biscuit.”

“What happens if you do?” Willow wanted to know remembering all the times she'd sneaked the last biscuit off a plate without anyone noticing.

“Well, as I say the last biscuit is like an offering to keep Berty happy,” Giles explained, “he tends to get a little upset if a biscuit isn't left for him. Old Berty is a mischievous sort of fellow so you might not be able to find your car keys or you might think you've generally misplace things.” Giles face became darker, “However, serial offenders could find more serious action being taken against them...”

At that very moment, Willow was promising herself that she'd leave out entire packets of biscuits out for Berty to make up for all the ones she'd stolen from the goblin.

“But you haven't told us why the black bag?” Buffy asked as she curled up on the settee and wondered if Giles was going to light the fire any time soon, it might be June but Buffy still felt the chill in the evening.

“Ah, I'm glad you asked,” Giles nodded sagely, “you see its all an exercise in logic.”

“Logic?” Buffy and Willow looked at each other and frowned, being women, Giles had lost them as soon as he'd mentioned 'logic'.

“It's quite simple really,” Giles smirked as he picked up his tea cup and saucer again.

“Is it?” Willow asked.

“Gotta say,” Buffy added, “I don't see it Giles.”

“Think about it,” Giles said to the two young women who were giving him blank looks, giving a frustrated sigh, he continued with his explanation, “if no one will take the last biscuit, logically then the penultimate biscuit becomes the 'last biscuit'...”

“Penultimate,” Willow turned to Buffy to explain, “that's like the last but one biscuit...”

“I know,” Buffy replied pointedly.

“...and as that 'last biscuit' can't be taken either,” Giles sipped his tea, “using this logic the anti-penultimate biscuit...”

“That's the one before the last but one,” Willow clarified much to Buffy's annoyance.

“...can't be eaten either and so on down the pack!” Giles got up and poured himself more tea.

“Oh my goddess!” Willow cried, “If you think about it you've logiced yourself out of eating like any biscuits...ever!”

“You've hit the nail right on the head,” Giles took his tea and sat down again, “I mean you can't have tea without biscuits, if this sort of thing got out of hand it could be the end of a long and noble tradition, not to mention the closing of biscuit factories and all those biscuit workers and tea pickers being thrown out of work.”

“But you obviously thought of a way around it,” Buffy said as she gestured to the 'Biscuit Bag'.

“But of course,” Giles smiled, “it was when I was doing my Watcher's training, a few of us were discussing the problem when old Jeffrey Wilberforce came up with a rather cunning suggestion,” Giles paused for a moment, “His idea was that someone who wouldn't be partaking of the biscuits would put a random number and selection of biscuits into a black, or otherwise opaque bag. That way no one would know which biscuit was the last biscuit and therefore old Berty couldn't inflict his wrath on whoever had taken the last biscuit.”

“I'm not sure I understand that last bit,” Buffy frowned, “this Berty guy is magic right?” Giles nodded, “Then wouldn't he know who'd taken the last biscuit whether it was in a bag or not.”

“Ah...” Giles replied wisely, “...but you see Berty being an English goblin is imbibed with a sense of fair play, it wouldn't be cricket to punish someone for taking the last biscuit if they didn't _know_ it was the last biscuit....”

“Yeah...” Buffy nodded uncertainly.

“I get it...” Willow agreed with a nod.

“Now shall we forget about biscuits, biscuit goblins and goblins in general unless you want me to tell you about, Rufus the Rude, Red, Randy, Rafter Goblin?”

“I think that can wait until another time,” Buffy replied.

“As you please,” Giles said in that tone of voice that suggested that it might be wise to talk about rude, red, randy, rafter goblins now, “so, elves, are they something we should be worried about?”

0=0=0=0

It was about six o'clock when Rupert showed Buffy and Willow to the door, as he watched his two young friends walking down the garden path towards the road he couldn't help muttering...

“Americans...” he shook his head, “...so bloody gullible, goblins indeed...” turning he headed back into the family room and cleared away the tea things after eating the last biscuit.

0=0=0=0

Returning to her chalet on the old Holiday Camp where the Slayer Organisation had its headquarters, Buffy let herself in and spent a good five minutes searching for goblins be they rude and red or blue with a taste for biscuits. Finding nothing she went to take a shower before getting changed to go out with a couple of the trainee slayers to patrol Saltburn-by-the-Sea's darkened streets. As she showered, Buffy had the strongest feeling that she was being watched, but ignored the feeling explaining it away as just perfectly normal slayer paranoia. As she showered an eye was pressed against a hole in her bathroom ceiling as a rude, red, randy, rafter goblin called Rufus sniggered like a naughty schoolboy at the sight of Buffy's naked, wet body.

0=0=0=0

Arriving home, Willow parked Abby's stroller in the hallway before rushing into the kitchen. Rapidly searching through her cupboards she found a packet of chocolate digestive biquits. Ripping the packet open she poured them on to a plate before leaving them and getting Abby ready for her bath. As the sound of childish laughter floated down from the bathroom (Abby enjoyed bath times) a small, goblin-like arm reached out from behind the bread bin for the plate of biscuits. Taking one, Berty decided that he was obviously on to a good thing here and despite the danger of living in the same house as a powerful witch, he might hang around the witch's kitchen because she bought such exceedingly good biscuits.

The End.


End file.
